In our last article, we discussed caring for your children in your estate plan. By employing a trust in the will, parents can ensure that their values in relation to money and its worthwhile use are transmitted to their children.

Parents caring alone for their children confront all the same issues, with variations on the theme. Parenting alone comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, traditional and avant-garde, intentional and otherwise. Unless a third party is available to care for the children in your absence, though, planning in any case becomes more urgent and the needs more immediate without the luxury of assuming that the other parent will make provision later.

As mentioned in the last article, divorced parents should strongly consider the use of a trust and appointment of a trusted trustee to ensure that money intended for the children is not diverted by an ex-spouse or his or her new partner. While divorced couples occasionally retain enough trust and confidence in each other to leave the other parent as the trustee of the trust for the children, such a situation is rare.

On that note, divorced or separated couples must avoid using the children as pawns in their own struggles to establish or reestablish their own sense of worth and value after a breakup. The dissolution of an intimate relationship can damage the self-esteem of the parents, who often seek validation from the children – "Your other parent might think I’m unsatisfactory, but you love me, don’t you? More than him/her?"

Close on the heels of this difficulty is the use of young children as communication intermediaries. Parents who can’t talk amicably sometimes use the children as "messengers." This is a devastating burden to their progeny, who now feel the weight of their parents’ suspicion and conniving and can feel responsible for it. Children can also be tempted to misconstrue intentionally what has been said in order to gain power over the parents.

While this office refers divorce and domestic matters to qualified counsel rather than providing such services directly, we see enough single-parent situations to know how devastating it is to children caught between their parents. After the death of one parent, this difficulty can persist as extended family, often embittered by the conflict between the parents, seeks to influence the child’s affections.

For the sake of the children, many couples maintain at least an outward display of amicability, never denigrating the other parent in front of the children and supporting the child’s relationship with both families. Those efforts, often at great cost both emotionally and monetarily, are to be applauded.

In your planning, then, unless the other parent is abusive, God forbid, be sure to provide that your children maintain ties with the other parent and the extended family of that parent, whether he or she is living or has passed away. Depending on who you choose as trustee and as guardian of your children, you might need to implement specific language in your will and power of attorney to pay for visitation with grandparents and other relatives from the other family.

On a practical note, this will lessen the fear of the other parent’s family that they will lose contact with your children, whom they love and cherish. This, in turn, will lessen the possibility of a contest of your will.