Regular readers of this column are familiar with an aphorism attributed to Henry Ford. When asked, "How much money does it take to be happy," he is said to have replied, "A little bit more."

Many clients of this writer explain that they just want their children to "get along" after the client's death. That natural desire needs to be tempered with reality. Children who have buried the hatchet so as not to hurt their beloved parents often dig it up just before the funeral.

Estate planning requires a hardheaded look at your loved ones and their needs and proclivities. It is not a time to make one last effort to win their love, or to teach them one last lesson.

But we all seek immortality. "You shall be as gods" is the universal yearning of our lapsed humanity.

One wag is remembered to have said that "I don't want to become immortal through doing things people never forget; I want to become immortal through never dying!"

Yet die we do. So as we end our earthly journey, we try to perpetuate our live, our love, our values. Rich folks endow their children, set up foundations and make large grants. Common folk just want to be fondly remembered, and want their children to "get along."

Because your loved ones are not the same, they need to be treated individually, not indistinguishably. In some families, maybe most of them, the children are pretty much alike, but in many situations, your loved ones will have different needs and need to be treated differently.

For example, one child might still have the first dollar she earned, while another spends twice his paycheck before it is cashed. One child might be devoting his life to helping the unfortunate, while the other is a narcissistic hedonist. Your eldest nephew might be a "high flier" on his fourth trophy wife, while your niece might be a single parent struggling to raise a handicapped child.

Obviously, these are extreme examples, but they point out the distinctions that might lead to differential planning for your loved ones. An equal, "blind" distribution among your very different loved ones might not be the right thing to do.

Often the best remedy is reality, with a letter to the family explaining your values and the reasons behind your choices. Include the letter with your will, so that the documents are revealed together.

Some of your children or other beneficiaries might not like what you choose. That's understandable and, though painful, ultimately acceptable. Those who share your values will immediately understand; those who don't never will. But they never have, and you can't "fix" that with your will or trust.